If NFL team names were honest.
First, he created Shit My Dad Says. Now Justin Halpern has created Shit Football Logos Are Really Trying to Say. Because what’s in a team name? That which we call the Steelers will still start a quarterback who sexually assualted a casino employee in his hotel suite and, then again two years later, a college student in a nightclub bathroom. Visit Justin’s site to see them all.
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Tip 1) Mindset
You want to approach oral sex with the idea that the penis in front of you is the most gorgeous, delicious, amazing looking thing you’ve ever seen (even though it probably isn’t) While performing oral sex you should treat the penis like it’s an amazing lollipop- one that you want to lick, suck, and devour. (Again, you’re probably going to have to pretend LOL)
Tip 2) Taste, Teeth, and Other Yuckiness
What to do about the taste? Try any flavored lube or oral sex gel, or flavored arousal balm.Another little trick that I use- Lick your thumb and rub the tip of his penis, over the opening and down toward the bottom of the head. This gets rid of any yucky leftovers he may have on the penis and he’ll think that you’re doing some cool trick.
Teeth- If your partner is extra wide, you may have to do some mouth exercises to accomodate his girth. In any other case, you should tuck your upper teeth behind your lip and stick your tongue out slightly to cover your bottom teeth and alternate by licking him and pulling lower lip over your teeth slightly.
Other yuckiness- First off, there’s nothing wrong with a joint shower before sex. Use this opportunity to wash your partner in an erotic way, easing your mind about bacteria and eliminating unpleasant odors.
What to do with the sperm? You have options here. First-use the blow job as part of foreplay, then there’s no need to think about it. Second- swallow it. Most men love this, and it’s really not that bad. Put out a glass of water on the bedside before you get going, allowing you a quick swish to get the taste out of your mouth. Third- Pay attention to the sounds he makes and his breathing. When you know he’s about two seconds away, pull his penis out of your mouth and allow him to ejaculate on your breasts. Rub his penis across your chest for an extra hot ending.
Tip 3) Techniques
Use your tongue. Lick fast, slow, in swirls. Slide your tongue up and down the shaft, twisting around the head. While sucking on the entire penis, use your tongue to lick and apply pressure. Add an oral sex tongue ring- it creates a vibrating sensation that will put him through the roof!
Pay attention to the tip. Suck with various pressures and speeds on just the tip. Use your hands to stimulate the shaft- interlock fingers and move up and down, use one hand and make a twisting motion as you stroke up and down.
Don’t forget the base. The bottom of a penis, at the point where the shaft joins the torso is a spot full of nerve endings. Drive him wild by applying a little extra pressure with your tongue when you pull the entire penis in your mouth. Stroke the shaft while you tease the base- flick with your tongue, give a few sucks, or start at the very base and lick all the way up the bottom of his penis with moderate pressure.
Another little move that men love is when you grab the back of their legs, their butt, or whatever and pull his penis further in your mouth. This gives him concrete evidence that you’re loving the pleasure you’re giving him. It adds a little bit of naughty spice which is always a good thing!
Tip 4) Use your whole mouth
Use your lips. Kiss the penis all over, allow your lips to form a suctioned cushion around his shaft. Use your lips to suck the head of his penis.
Use your cheek. When performing oral sex, slide the tip of his penis against your cheek and pull it out the side of your mouth, allowing it to “pop” against your cheek. Allow him to thrust against your cheek, you can even tap the side of your cheek lightly for extra stimulation.
Tip 5) All the extras
Don’t neglect the other parts of his body by focusing only on the penis. Lick and suck his testicles. Lightly pull the shaft toward his abdomen, lick from the bottom of his testicles all the way to the tip of the penis.
The taint. This area is going to take some finesse. Many guys are very sheepish about letting you near the area between their testicles and rectum. However- if your partner will let you- lick, suck, apply light pressure with your fingers- and he’ll think the universe revolves around you!
Tip 1) Mindset
If you believe that anal sex is painful, shameful, gross, weird, etc do your best to get over these hangups. If you are afraid it’s going to hurt, you’ll be more tense and it WILL hurt more. Just relax and go with it- take some deep breaths and try to relax muscles over your entire body. Anal sex can be very pleasurable, but only if you chill out a little and let it happen.
Tip 2) Lubrication
Lubrication is the most critical factor which can make or break anal sex. You must use a high quality lube! I can’t stress this enough. A lubricant made specifically for anal intercourse is ideal- they have a thicker consistency and last a long time. Our cherry scented Anal Lube is perfect. Lubrication eases difficulties with the initial insertion, eliminates pain from friction, and will increase your overall pleasure.
Tip 3) Preparation
If you’re brand new to the idea of anal sex, you may want to take baby steps at first. Allow your partner to stimulate this area with his tongue or finger. A whole new area of pleasure will open to you.
Before attempting anal sex, you might want to consider getting yourself “ready”. Using a well lubricated small vibrator or butt plug can ease some of the tightness, which can make inserting a penis a little on the difficult side. Making this part of foreplay or using them during vaginal intercourse is a great way to include your partner and to build their anticipation.
Tip 4) Positioning Pointers
Lay on your left side with your right leg bent. Your partner can insert himself at a variety of angles.
Try a doggie style variation. Instead of getting on all fours, angle your torso down and rest on your forearms.
Cowgirl- reverse, side or traditional. This position increases tension in the muscles of your pelvis, but allows you to control the depth and speed of penetration.
Tip 5) Multi-area stimulation
While having anal sex, you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris, nipples or vagina. This can be done using your fingers, a bullet, a vibrator, or a C-ring. Adding this extra stimulation will increase your overall pleasure, adding to your anal sex experience.
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This is a very cool variation of Reverse Cowgirl. Get on top, facing away from him. As you are sitting straight up you can grind your hips back and forth, move up and down, move your hips in a figure 8. You can then adjust the angle and sensation by leaning forward. As your chest lowers toward his legs, you give your booty loving partner an increasingly better view. Once you are lying forward, “flutter” your hips in short, fast motions. Trust me girls, he’ll love it.